The Day I Found Out, He was Gone Forever

I The Day I Found Out, He was Gone Forever

This entry will be one of the hardest things I will ever tell. Not only am I telling you, but I am telling the world.  Its the only way, I can move on. It' been a couple of months, but its been hell for me. I'm taking a chance telling my story to the world. What will they think of me? What will be said of me?  I'm scared I may lose more people that I love in my life. I have already lost two amazing best-friends. I also think which of these is worst, losing a person I was fallen for, or losing both of my best-friends in the world? Thinking, if I had them to telling and bare it all, things would have been so different. But now I realize who my true friends are and it hurts me so much even to say that

And for those that know me at a personal level, I hope I hide my emotions well. I hate showing my weakness, but I'm ready to share.

I will be written this blog, in sections.  I was told, the only way to expect what happen, is to say it, and this is my way of saying it.


Its started with my local HEB, a local grocery store here in Austin, Texas, near my home.. You must read the Blog entry called "How I Met Him" to understand, what I am about to say.  This was a win that never became, and love that never had the opportunity of becoming real.

It was a Monday morning, the day after Easter.  I was at work and something over came my body and mind, for me to Google his name. I sat there for a while thinking what is this strongly feeling that over came my body, so I did googled. I always wish at times, that I had never had googled his name, but at the same time I think it was a sign. The experience, the feeling, the emotion, that occurred from what I was reading, was something I didn't believe I was reading. I felt my computer screen gets smaller and smaller as I was reading the article about him. Everything around me was an echo, and I felt a tear running down my face and I had to get out, I had to run outside, and thinking, it's not true, it's not true.   Who could I call, who could I tell, I was very confused. I called his mobile and it rang and rang and rang. I rushed back to my desk, trying not to show any emotion to my colleagues. So I log back onto my computer, open up the article they have about him, which include a link of photos. I need to be positive, I needed to be 100%, it was the same person I knew. After reviewing the photos, knowing it was him, but telling myself, it's not him. I felt my world crashing, yelling and screaming, but inside my mind only. 

I was living this life that no one had any idea, who I really was. Who Tomás really was, and or  didn't have a clue who this person I was speaking/writing of was. I had to keep our moments a sercet. He made me promise him, that I would. He showed me and took me to places local or around here in Texas, I had never gone before. The weekend at The Riverwalk, which we both laughed for days. He was my friend, he was my rescuer, he was the person that took time to understand who I was, and what I needed to do, to be the successful person I always spoke of becoming. He made me feel important, he believed in me, and he was proud of me. All these moments rushed through my head. 12 to 11 months, of wonderful moments flashed in a matter of 5 minutes. 

Everything a person wants in a person,  I believed I had found. I was happy and I was on the right track, so I thought. To be honest, I feel fucking stupid and embarrassed, for opening up as I did.  I consider myself and compare myself to an onion. Its hard for me to show my emotions. I had opened up to him, and I wish I had never done so.  Was it a mistake?  I believe, if I have not been so open, I probably would not be going through this roller coaster. 

But that moment I knew it was him, that I was reading about,  but still not wanting to believe.  I felt like I was in one of those episodes in a movie clip where, a slow flashback of your moments just went by, but those moments were ours.  

And knowing I would never see him again. He was gone, and I would never seem him again. He was dead.

Yes, he was "DEAD"...

I recall, my boss and two of my colleagues where next to my desk, and I want to yell out loud. I wanted to my boss to go back to her area, so that I can grad one of the girls, and explain, what has happened.  I ended up, just calling one of the girls, outside with me...  She looked at my face, and she knew right then, that something wasn't right. I look at her, and a tears start rolling down my face, like a baby.  I tell told her, his gone. His gone. She said, Who, is gone.  I went on with, he is dead.  I cant believe he would do this.  Went on with the feeling that I had, to Google his name, and the article that I had read. She said, are you sure, Tomas.  Everything was a match, date of birth, his name, his last name, his wife's name, his kids, names, and the place her worked. What more, did I need. I wish it wasn't him, but everything was a match.

It's .....  

Night... will cont. tomorrow night on this blog entry...


July 31st, 2015

It's taking me a few days since the last time I updated this blog entry. As I started off with saying, this one would be the hardest events I would ever speak of, but has helped me in so many ways. I feel relieved but still sadden, and my counselor is thrilled of my accomplishments of over coming my fears. She says she sees it differently me already and to continue with my journey in telling my story. To continue tell not just this life changing event but other future adventures. And I agree

So going back to everything was a match and making sure it was him.  I and my friend from work were reading funeral eulogy, and then we see a link to photos. I didn't want to click, that would give me a face and make it more real. We click... And there we had it, his face , his body, picture of him and his family, pictures of him and his son. Chris was a super active individual that love keeping busy and had the love of biking as a cyclist. Up popped a photo of him, doing deep sea fishing trip, which we spoke of doing together. That one did it for me literately, and by this time, my body was numbed. 

By this time it's close to 2:30 maybe 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and thought to myself, what the fucking am I doing at work, so I called it a day and go home. I go home with the intention of calling a friend, or close in your circle of friends but I got home too I didn't have anyone too. Couldn't call mom couldn't call dad, sisters and or brother, because they're clueless about how I am. How would I even start telling my story to them or anyone if, no one ever heard me speak of him and or saw him. 

Tomas